Empathy matters, but dial it down if you want to avoid balancing on a mutant Space Hopper glued to a giant frisbee.
Dial down your empathy if you want a high performing team; to inspire those you lead; and to be a more effective parent, colleague, friend.
Dial down your empathy and be the adult in the room.
In a fit of enthusiasm visiting the spoffy gym when we arrived in Tenerife, S booked four consecutive days of one-to-one personal training. I was invited along as Andi had said she would attend to both of us and S thought we might go together (though we never have before). Our needs are almost entirely different, but this was BOGOF.
After the usual pleasantries I grabbed a mat and went looking for a quiet spot for my Yogaerobics- press ups, leg raises, Downward Dougs- and Andi said she would be with me soon.
It was clear Andi wanted to help me. Perhaps she thought I expected it (I didn’t), couldn’t use the equipment (I can), or needed a confidence-booster (nope…). I considered saying she needn’t worry about me at the outset but didn’t want to be too abrupt (an unappealing character trait I own).
With S astride a contraption hauling big black rectangles above her head, Andi came to my shady corner when I was doing a passable sleepy baby, holding the mutant Space Hopper. She suggested I mount it, so I did. With some coaxing this morphed into a left-leg-right-arm-right-leg-left-arm thing: a fancy dorsal raise. I felt a twinge and stopped. Next, I was to stand atop the giant frisbee on the upturned Space Hopper and do squats. I imagined a circus performer on a ball, expected to catch flaming clubs.
Seeing scepticism Andi pointed to a harness fixed to the ceiling of a nearby cage, for stability when up top. I said that that was not going to happen.
Continuing our charade would have resulted in S getting poor value all week and me in a harness.
“Andi, would you give me variations on squats and leg raises I can do on a mat in a hotel room… I don’t go to gyms?”.
And that was that. In no time Andi was getting S repping on another machine. Half an hour later she popped back, gave me the thumbs and was off.
Next day was an early start and we were bowled over by Andi’s boundless energy; I sensed she had a plan for me. Ten seconds in I said:
“You and S go do what you do… I’ll be fine working yesterday’s exercises into my Yogaerobics”.
Andi now knows what to do in the next hour: attend to her client. I never saw her until we left at 9.30am, same for the next two sessions.
Scenes like this play out every day. In every case it’s useful to check your empathy and boost your assertiveness, because it’s life changing and makes everything better. Every reasonable person in your orbit will get more out of interactions with you and the bad actors will be flushed out.
Empathy is an essential human trait but is far from an unalloyed good. In fact, too much empathic concern will get in the way of doing the right thing. Had I worried about Andi being non-plussed about my refusal to play on the ball the week’s PT sessions could have been uncomfortable for all of us.
Smart parents override empathy when the toddler with wet fingers is heading for an old electric socket; the teenager who becomes My Little Pony and wants to walk on all fours, speak clip-clop and have big purple tattoos; and the precocious student about to sign a lease that has them jointly and severally liable for 150k of rent. All need the adult to override empathic concern and tell them no. In the first instance by shouting; the second by a combo telling and ignoring; and the third by explaining the consequences of four flatmates doing a midnight flit, with highlighter pens and maybe a lawyer friend on the Zoom.
Your empathic concern can be a superpower because it recognises and understands when others are having a hard time, but too much compassionate empathy will put you in a harness. And the consequences will be worse than ineffective PT sessions or a sprained ankle when you come up against narcissists and sociopaths.
Dial down your empathic concern if you have too much; it leads to better outcomes.